Love (Hi)story

I wanted to write down this story for a long time you know... it’s just not an easy one to write - No that’s not true, it is because I remember every little detail of it. It’s just going to be difficult to make clear how I felt, how he made me feel during this story: my love (hi)story.

We met online and as we started to talk everything felt good. You know how it goes, you long to talk to each other, waiting for him to come online (and waiting for him to start the conversation, of course). We soon decided to meet ‘in real life’.. As I was waiting for him I wasn’t nervous, not even a bit. I was just so excited to see this guy. You know.. he called me right before I took the train -damn that voice, and that was enough for me not to get too nervous about it.

There he was, coming up the stairs. I saw him, he saw me and we smiled (because we knew?). Somewhere along this day we kissed, accidentally he said (I still don’t believe him, he just really really wanted to kiss me. for sure :) ). 

From that moment we build our relationship. Three years of loving, sharing kisses back and forward, laughing (especially with my clumsiness) and being soul mates. I want to write down so much more because this seems like a normal ordinary love, but we all know our own love is different. 

Of course, we had our struggles. That’s what got us apart. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was the best choice to make (at that time). The distance gave us the chance to grow, to become more of the persons we really are and wanted to be. 

Now, one year and 5 months later, he is still my buddy, my best friend my go-to gal like he says (not sure what that really means, but it made me smile. He still makes me smile). In this time I had a few flirts, short love stories, but it never worked out. Now I know why. 

To see him with another girl makes me both happy and sad. It makes me sad- it even hurts, and it doesn’t make it easier to breath. But it also makes me happy (at least a bit). I know he deserves somebody who makes him smile and although I know I can... there are a lot of things I can’t give him. 

So I’m happy that his new girl can give him those things (at least I hope she can) and that she can make him smile the way I used to, because… damn that smile :) 

I wish I could tell her to truly love him the way he deserves because from the moment he starts loving you your world will be upside down and you’ll wish you could love him even more. 

So, be joyful, careful, be patient and thoughtful, be lovable.. and he will look at you the way he used to look at me. And I can tell you... that look makes it all worth it. 

Love always

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Just Hold On

I am proud of having the love of a man of principle. A (secret) romantic at heart who has the courage, purpose and passion of twenty men. A man who fiercely seeks peace, happiness, freedom and the ability to truly savor all of the beautiful things life has to offer. A man who carefully plans, planting seeds for a brighter and more secure tomorrow for him and the ones he loves. He is the man I couldn't imagine existed and who I have been fortunate to know and admire.

I love every mysterious, stubborn, moody part of you. And, I remain captivated by your charm, poise, brilliance and strength through real adversity. Every. Single. Day. Your resilience and tenacity will drive you to succeed at your newly found passion. I know it!

It's been a life-changing experience getting to know and love you, D. Here's to more time laughing and loving. I don’t know about forever. I just want more time. May this new year bring us more understanding and more reasons to keep returning to the table. Every night, I hope that you will find another reason to turn back around and keep breathing light and meaning into me. Whenever you are down and detached, I hope that love will bring you back to me. And, if I know what love is, it's because of you. Because every time I see that unique and disarming light in your eyes, I think I will crumble from the love you inspire in me. How do you manage to make me feel so strong and so weak at the same time? 

My biggest hope is that you will continue to find your way back by my side in spite of the uncertainty and challenges ahead. It would make me the happiest woman in the world. It would make everything worth it. (Banksy girl with balloons image attached) I know that most things in life are fleeting. And the only thing we can count on is change. Just hold on to me. I won’t let you fall, mi amor.

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My Heart And Head

The only way I could make this fathomable to the human mind is by putting it down in writing. As I see it, "There is only one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring,” to quote a phrase. I have many, many, intangible pieces of hurt and resent that fill up every fiber of my being.

That being said, it isn't so bad without you. You come around every now and then to put me in my place about all of this. Like a reminder that I can’t be too well off. I found someone and this tears you apart, but honestly this is never how I wanted this to be. I was the last one who wanted two years of blood, sweat, and tears to go to waste. He is a wonderful guy though; I can’t convince you of it though.

He plays the blues and listens, he listens to every rant and rave that stirs up in my mind. He listens to me talk about you while we share a cigarette and rather than being purely annoyed, he embraces it. I want this. Yet, every time I convince myself of this, I become less sure of the choice that was mine in the first place. It’s a cycle, to say the least. The smallest of things can make me break into tears over you, but too much has occurred to go back. So I need to learn to move forward, but my heart and you pull me back. My head is in the right place though. The thing is unless I can get my heart and head on the same page, I won’t make it very far at all.

I’m currently typing this at school where no one really knows what I’m doing and what I’m writing about, which is how I prefer it. My business is my business, but some days being so self-motivated and hard-headed really does get the better of me and bring me down. Maybe I need some time off. Maybe I need to go to a café and treat myself to a lovely boy, in a different world, with a different heart. Maybe then I would truly know what I want.

I love you Nicholas. I always have and always will. I’m so sorry, but your Lovedove will find her way. Whether it’s back to you or someone else, I’ll figure out. I sure hope.

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Why does He Love Me?

I’m so frustrated with where we’re at. He loves me, or so he says. Last night, before hanging up he said, “I’m saying it because I mean it: I love you.”

Is it bad that I want to know why? Why does he love me? We haven’t even been together in person. And while I know that isn’t everything, I want to know what he sees. Maybe I’m just pretty and decently funny. And I can understand that, until he tells me he wants to marry me. Why would he want to marry me? What could he possibly see in me that would make him think he wants to spend his life with me? Maybe I just don’t see it in myself.

As soon as we get back into everything, I get back to missing him. Every minute of every hour of every day. I hate missing him. I know I don’t act dependent, but I hate even slightly feeling so. I’m independent. I’m busy. I’m focused. Not a love-sick lonely girl longing to hear his voice. That can’t be me.

And then he calls, or maybe I do. And I’m giddy when I hear his voice and when I make him laugh, which I usually do. He makes jokes and I try not to over-laugh because I don’t want to seem too giggly. But his voice makes me feel like I’m safe and, better yet, happy. He says I’m beautiful a time or two, and I always melt because he always says it like it’s factual and obvious. I don’t want to hang up. I just want to be in the same place at the same time, and if that time could be right this second, that would be magical. Because he’s all I want.

And then he tells me he loves me. And I say it back. And we hang up.

I’m frustrated and confused and happy and I can’t stop smiling; it’s involuntary. I wish I could control it, or even understand it. But I can’t and I don’t. All I know is that I heard his voice for thirty seconds today, and that wasn’t enough. In those thirty seconds he told me he loved me twice and I haven’t stopped missing him since.

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A Night I Will Never Forget

The rain gently falling through an open window, in which our heads hung out. Bare skin molding together to form a connection. A guitar, a joint, and a night I will never forget. His bed where our faces lay had a window to where the faint rainfall kissed us. This was an ongoing fling we had, occasional nights in which we’d call each other and spend the night together. It was something about this one night in particular, was it the white occasional, was it the open window with the starry sky staring back at me, or was it the way he sang “Skinny Love” to me while I just soaked it all in. It honestly felt like I was in an indie film scene, as lame as that sounds. It was so delicate, everything about it. I still remember the way my smile was plastered on my face, I was so god damn happy. It was so perfect in that moment, I hope it was as special for him as it was for me. I know it was just another one of those nights we had, but it was special, it really was. I live miles and miles away from him, and life keeps moving, but I'm so happy I had this night with him.

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I Will be Here Waiting

Love. What does that mean? Why do people make a big deal out of it? Why does it hurt so much, but at the same time can be the best thing that's ever happened? I am inexperienced and don't know anything about love. I base this thing called "love" on movies, friends and family.

I've seen heartbreaks and smiles travel through their lives. While I sit here; watching over them and taking in all their stories, complaints and personal experiences. I'm getting used to it. It's ok, I might be bitter but no one has the right to judge me.

I have someone I like. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. He doesn't like me back, if he did I think we would be closer than we are right now. We talk every now and then so I guess we're just friends.

He's not someone my friends would want me to be with. I'm attracted to him, though I ignore it. I deny it and throw away my feelings but they keep coming back. So what is it? What is it that I about the guy that I like so much? Or why do I like him?

Is this normal? It seems like it. My feelings come back every time I'm not busy. He pops up in my mind out of the blue. Recently it's been happening more often, it only goes away when I'm busy.

I see the good in him and I want to be there for him. I want to be the one to make him smile. What does this all mean though?

It doesn't hurt. It makes me feel sad every time he's near but we're just friends. I'm ok with it. I'm used to it. Its hard every time he approaches me or even makes simple gestures like putting his hand on my shoulder.

Even though people are irritated by him or dislike him I still see the good in him. Its so powerful it attracts me more to him. My feelings went away but they came back like a, what Miley Cyrus would say, "wrecking ball."

I will be here waiting for that special moment when he sees me as more than just a friend.

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Good Enough

How are you supposed to cope when the one person you needed abandons you? You create worth by choosing people who do need you. Filling that void for someone else. An un-loveable. Someone with mental illness, OCD or addiction. You fill their needs to cover up the emptiness still left. Years go by and you believe you've moved on, that this time it's the real deal. But really it's just another broken man you've committed to taking care of because no one will take care of you. And the one person that one time who did. Well he really has moved on. To someone not so needy. Someone easier, skinnier, less work and more worth love. So you keep going, day after day, barely holding your life together, taking care of another man who you don't need or want but at least he needs you and isn't going to leave. Because if you venture outside of this fucked up codependent relationship back to something real. Well if you ever found another guy to actually fulfill your heart he would eventually see the real you and leave too. And we can't have that again can we? 

P. S. I still love you. Even though you're long gone and married to the girl that came after me. The one who was good enough. I promise I still love you more than she ever will.

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