Get your E back

Have you broken up with someone because of a misunderstanding, an argument, or over something that really shouldn't have caused a break up? Cause if you are then I can understand wanting to fix your relationship even if you had gotten pretty upset with them. There are a few methods you can take first is the active version and after the passive version.
Now to take the active approach and if your ex is willing to talk then this method should be the most straightforward, but if the heat of the last argument hasn't cooled down between the both of you then it most likely will lead to another word fight. First, come to understand what the argument was about. Then, if the argument is something you regret and that you truly want to get back together then you need to express that with your ex. Now, they might not want to talk to you and still feel upset, but you should kindly tell them that the argument went way out of hand and anything you said wasn't how you really felt and that you would want to possibly talk things over with them. Having sincerity in your words is far more important than pride at this point, but if they won't give you time they certainly don't deserve your attention.
Next we have is the passive method this one focuses solely on self evaluation and to get your ex to look at a fresh you. This one is probably the better option for both you and the entire relationship. The reason I say that is because if you look from how you were before, during, and after the relationship you gotta make some decisions based on how you feel towards yourself. Are you happy with who you are now? If not then you should choose this option, not only is it possible you'll catch your ex's attention, but you will feel better about yourself along with it. The steps for this method is easy. First, try changing your hairstyle to something you normally don't do, but look good with.
Next, spice up your wardrobe with something new for instance try different colored shirts that might bring a different feel that isn't usual for you. Now, the next step should be easier and something you need to think about less before doing and that would be to just hang out with your friends or some new companions and just enjoy yourself. Now the final step after separating any sad feelings and partly moved on from your ex if you still want to get back together. Talk to your ex with that new found confidence and bright appearance they just might jump at the chance to get back with you. This might make you happy to realize that your hurt feelings from the past are still there and the only reason your standing there now is because of how you feel towards them.
If you can't get past all of the drama with your ex they might not be worth it and then its time to move on and if you take the passive method you will most definitely come out with less scars and a lot more hope for future relationships that you can work on with them and even decide some things up front to prevent past problems to reoccur. I hope my insight is useful for many situations and even help those that need to move on, because there is no fix all answer.

Read More

Love (Hi)story

I wanted to write down this story for a long time you know... it’s just not an easy one to write - No that’s not true, it is because I remember every little detail of it. It’s just going to be difficult to make clear how I felt, how he made me feel during this story: my love (hi)story.

We met online and as we started to talk everything felt good. You know how it goes, you long to talk to each other, waiting for him to come online (and waiting for him to start the conversation, of course). We soon decided to meet ‘in real life’.. As I was waiting for him I wasn’t nervous, not even a bit. I was just so excited to see this guy. You know.. he called me right before I took the train -damn that voice, and that was enough for me not to get too nervous about it.

There he was, coming up the stairs. I saw him, he saw me and we smiled (because we knew?). Somewhere along this day we kissed, accidentally he said (I still don’t believe him, he just really really wanted to kiss me. for sure :) ). 

From that moment we build our relationship. Three years of loving, sharing kisses back and forward, laughing (especially with my clumsiness) and being soul mates. I want to write down so much more because this seems like a normal ordinary love, but we all know our own love is different. 

Of course, we had our struggles. That’s what got us apart. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was the best choice to make (at that time). The distance gave us the chance to grow, to become more of the persons we really are and wanted to be. 

Now, one year and 5 months later, he is still my buddy, my best friend my go-to gal like he says (not sure what that really means, but it made me smile. He still makes me smile). In this time I had a few flirts, short love stories, but it never worked out. Now I know why. 

To see him with another girl makes me both happy and sad. It makes me sad- it even hurts, and it doesn’t make it easier to breath. But it also makes me happy (at least a bit). I know he deserves somebody who makes him smile and although I know I can... there are a lot of things I can’t give him. 

So I’m happy that his new girl can give him those things (at least I hope she can) and that she can make him smile the way I used to, because… damn that smile :) 

I wish I could tell her to truly love him the way he deserves because from the moment he starts loving you your world will be upside down and you’ll wish you could love him even more. 

So, be joyful, careful, be patient and thoughtful, be lovable.. and he will look at you the way he used to look at me. And I can tell you... that look makes it all worth it. 

Love always

Read More

Just Hold On

I am proud of having the love of a man of principle. A (secret) romantic at heart who has the courage, purpose and passion of twenty men. A man who fiercely seeks peace, happiness, freedom and the ability to truly savor all of the beautiful things life has to offer. A man who carefully plans, planting seeds for a brighter and more secure tomorrow for him and the ones he loves. He is the man I couldn't imagine existed and who I have been fortunate to know and admire.

I love every mysterious, stubborn, moody part of you. And, I remain captivated by your charm, poise, brilliance and strength through real adversity. Every. Single. Day. Your resilience and tenacity will drive you to succeed at your newly found passion. I know it!

It's been a life-changing experience getting to know and love you, D. Here's to more time laughing and loving. I don’t know about forever. I just want more time. May this new year bring us more understanding and more reasons to keep returning to the table. Every night, I hope that you will find another reason to turn back around and keep breathing light and meaning into me. Whenever you are down and detached, I hope that love will bring you back to me. And, if I know what love is, it's because of you. Because every time I see that unique and disarming light in your eyes, I think I will crumble from the love you inspire in me. How do you manage to make me feel so strong and so weak at the same time? 

My biggest hope is that you will continue to find your way back by my side in spite of the uncertainty and challenges ahead. It would make me the happiest woman in the world. It would make everything worth it. (Banksy girl with balloons image attached) I know that most things in life are fleeting. And the only thing we can count on is change. Just hold on to me. I won’t let you fall, mi amor.

Read More

My Heart And Head

The only way I could make this fathomable to the human mind is by putting it down in writing. As I see it, "There is only one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring,” to quote a phrase. I have many, many, intangible pieces of hurt and resent that fill up every fiber of my being.

That being said, it isn't so bad without you. You come around every now and then to put me in my place about all of this. Like a reminder that I can’t be too well off. I found someone and this tears you apart, but honestly this is never how I wanted this to be. I was the last one who wanted two years of blood, sweat, and tears to go to waste. He is a wonderful guy though; I can’t convince you of it though.

He plays the blues and listens, he listens to every rant and rave that stirs up in my mind. He listens to me talk about you while we share a cigarette and rather than being purely annoyed, he embraces it. I want this. Yet, every time I convince myself of this, I become less sure of the choice that was mine in the first place. It’s a cycle, to say the least. The smallest of things can make me break into tears over you, but too much has occurred to go back. So I need to learn to move forward, but my heart and you pull me back. My head is in the right place though. The thing is unless I can get my heart and head on the same page, I won’t make it very far at all.

I’m currently typing this at school where no one really knows what I’m doing and what I’m writing about, which is how I prefer it. My business is my business, but some days being so self-motivated and hard-headed really does get the better of me and bring me down. Maybe I need some time off. Maybe I need to go to a café and treat myself to a lovely boy, in a different world, with a different heart. Maybe then I would truly know what I want.

I love you Nicholas. I always have and always will. I’m so sorry, but your Lovedove will find her way. Whether it’s back to you or someone else, I’ll figure out. I sure hope.

Read More

Why does He Love Me?

I’m so frustrated with where we’re at. He loves me, or so he says. Last night, before hanging up he said, “I’m saying it because I mean it: I love you.”

Is it bad that I want to know why? Why does he love me? We haven’t even been together in person. And while I know that isn’t everything, I want to know what he sees. Maybe I’m just pretty and decently funny. And I can understand that, until he tells me he wants to marry me. Why would he want to marry me? What could he possibly see in me that would make him think he wants to spend his life with me? Maybe I just don’t see it in myself.

As soon as we get back into everything, I get back to missing him. Every minute of every hour of every day. I hate missing him. I know I don’t act dependent, but I hate even slightly feeling so. I’m independent. I’m busy. I’m focused. Not a love-sick lonely girl longing to hear his voice. That can’t be me.

And then he calls, or maybe I do. And I’m giddy when I hear his voice and when I make him laugh, which I usually do. He makes jokes and I try not to over-laugh because I don’t want to seem too giggly. But his voice makes me feel like I’m safe and, better yet, happy. He says I’m beautiful a time or two, and I always melt because he always says it like it’s factual and obvious. I don’t want to hang up. I just want to be in the same place at the same time, and if that time could be right this second, that would be magical. Because he’s all I want.

And then he tells me he loves me. And I say it back. And we hang up.

I’m frustrated and confused and happy and I can’t stop smiling; it’s involuntary. I wish I could control it, or even understand it. But I can’t and I don’t. All I know is that I heard his voice for thirty seconds today, and that wasn’t enough. In those thirty seconds he told me he loved me twice and I haven’t stopped missing him since.

Read More

A Night I Will Never Forget

The rain gently falling through an open window, in which our heads hung out. Bare skin molding together to form a connection. A guitar, a joint, and a night I will never forget. His bed where our faces lay had a window to where the faint rainfall kissed us. This was an ongoing fling we had, occasional nights in which we’d call each other and spend the night together. It was something about this one night in particular, was it the white occasional, was it the open window with the starry sky staring back at me, or was it the way he sang “Skinny Love” to me while I just soaked it all in. It honestly felt like I was in an indie film scene, as lame as that sounds. It was so delicate, everything about it. I still remember the way my smile was plastered on my face, I was so god damn happy. It was so perfect in that moment, I hope it was as special for him as it was for me. I know it was just another one of those nights we had, but it was special, it really was. I live miles and miles away from him, and life keeps moving, but I'm so happy I had this night with him.

Read More

I Will be Here Waiting

Love. What does that mean? Why do people make a big deal out of it? Why does it hurt so much, but at the same time can be the best thing that's ever happened? I am inexperienced and don't know anything about love. I base this thing called "love" on movies, friends and family.

I've seen heartbreaks and smiles travel through their lives. While I sit here; watching over them and taking in all their stories, complaints and personal experiences. I'm getting used to it. It's ok, I might be bitter but no one has the right to judge me.

I have someone I like. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. He doesn't like me back, if he did I think we would be closer than we are right now. We talk every now and then so I guess we're just friends.

He's not someone my friends would want me to be with. I'm attracted to him, though I ignore it. I deny it and throw away my feelings but they keep coming back. So what is it? What is it that I about the guy that I like so much? Or why do I like him?

Is this normal? It seems like it. My feelings come back every time I'm not busy. He pops up in my mind out of the blue. Recently it's been happening more often, it only goes away when I'm busy.

I see the good in him and I want to be there for him. I want to be the one to make him smile. What does this all mean though?

It doesn't hurt. It makes me feel sad every time he's near but we're just friends. I'm ok with it. I'm used to it. Its hard every time he approaches me or even makes simple gestures like putting his hand on my shoulder.

Even though people are irritated by him or dislike him I still see the good in him. Its so powerful it attracts me more to him. My feelings went away but they came back like a, what Miley Cyrus would say, "wrecking ball."

I will be here waiting for that special moment when he sees me as more than just a friend.

Read More

Good Enough

How are you supposed to cope when the one person you needed abandons you? You create worth by choosing people who do need you. Filling that void for someone else. An un-loveable. Someone with mental illness, OCD or addiction. You fill their needs to cover up the emptiness still left. Years go by and you believe you've moved on, that this time it's the real deal. But really it's just another broken man you've committed to taking care of because no one will take care of you. And the one person that one time who did. Well he really has moved on. To someone not so needy. Someone easier, skinnier, less work and more worth love. So you keep going, day after day, barely holding your life together, taking care of another man who you don't need or want but at least he needs you and isn't going to leave. Because if you venture outside of this fucked up codependent relationship back to something real. Well if you ever found another guy to actually fulfill your heart he would eventually see the real you and leave too. And we can't have that again can we? 

P. S. I still love you. Even though you're long gone and married to the girl that came after me. The one who was good enough. I promise I still love you more than she ever will.

Read More

I Need to Walk Out

I never thought that I’d get to know you. I remember the first time when we met, I was walking past the restaurant and our eyes met. You stared at me, so hard and long that it gave me the creeps, I wasn’t attracted to you yet at the point. It was at the company’s dinner and dance that you caught me in your net. You looked stunningly good in your suit. That cleanly shaved stubble, well waxed hair and those gorgeous blue eyes. When you stared at me again this time, it took my breath away...

Despite that encounter, I never thought I’d hang out with you or even get to know you in the slightest. But we still shared the longing glances and awkward smile. During my last day working in the HQ, I popped by the restaurant you worked in. That night sparked the start of something so wonderful… You took my hand, bought me drinks and we talked at the bar for what seems like hours. And before I left, you asked for my number. With that, we talked almost every other day, and I remember what you always told me, the times we spend talking seem so fleeting; there were always countless things for us to talk about.

It all happened so fast, I don’t even know what came first, or what followed, or how one thing lead to another- but before I knew it, we went from hanging out once a week, to twice a week and we would talk to each other every day. It was then I heard you were actually in a relationship with one of the bosses. I was suspicious, but I didn’t ponder too much on it because I didn’t know where it came from- and to be honest I kind of liked you and didn’t want us to end.


Then the day came when you told me that indeed what I heard was true… I’m shocked and everything seemed so messed up. What’s with the time we spent, and the undeniable great chemistry we shared that you told me you felt as well? Was that entirely unreal?

I pulled away to save myself from the heartache and you came to my new work place and we talked in your car. You told me you tried not to text me, but your mind just drifted to me when you were free. You really wished things could work out between us, but you do not want to lose everything you have worked for in SG. That look of agony on your face made me realise I really wanted you in my life because I thought I found somebody that really loved me. Many times we broke up, but always got back after and every single time it just made me feel that you really loved me and found it so hard to leave me. (Oh so silly).

Then we hooked up. I thought that would be the turning point, where we’d cross the line and go forth down that path, and everything would be perfect and fine. Because why wouldn’t it be? I loved everything about you, you loved everything about me, and what did we have to lose?

I soon learned that apparently wasn’t our life plan. I fought so hard for you. In my mind I knew you were it; the one I was supposed to experience everything with for the first time. You knew how to make me smile, and how to pick me up at the end of the day when I couldn’t do it myself. You’re someone I wanted to strive for, something I wanted to earn for myself. I wanted to earn your love. But she was in the way. The way that she glared at me made my stomach uneasy.

 The turning point was when she broke your heart and left you for another guy. I thought things would have worked for us now, but you instead shrugged it off. I think you didn’t know what to think or what to do. You told me you just wanted to be alone to figure out things in your life, how you made a big mess and ruined her and me. You said you do not have the capacity for anything now. I believed you at that point, telling myself I need to give you time and I knew you would come around. But things kept getting worse, you stopped caring and stopped talking to me.

I couldn’t bear it any more and popped by your place last night. We cuddled and I thought things should be fine now, but you told me you still do not have the capacity for anybody. You’re still in love with her. You feel you’re at a age of settling down and wanted a family. You tried dating other people your age (We have age difference of 10 years), but you can’t put yourself in there anymore. I don’t know why it hurt me so bad… But I was here all along! Why wasn’t I given a chance to be in your life? Don’t I deserve a chance than those new girls you’re seeing? You said I am young and should be enjoying my life instead of being burdened down with an old man. But have you asked me what I want?

But it was this that made me realise that I need to walk out. It hurts real bad… but what hurts more is to think that maybe you are not that into me like I thought. I probably would have been deceiving myself thinking that you really loved me for the past years. I can’t stick around thinking things would work out because you never wanted something for us. It is hopeless to be here alone trying to make things work...

I wish I could be the one you wanted. The girl that could made a difference in your life. There are so many times when I dreamt of us walking down the aisle. And I still remember the conversation we had on how our kids would look like; brown hair, your blue eyes and my sweet personality.

I left last night heartbroken. I kissed you for the last time and I said I love you for the first and last time, but you didn’t say it back. You saw me walk out but you never come after me. I wish you would have run after me and made me stay like you used to.

Here I’m laying on my bed now, thinking of all those wonderful memories we had, thinking maybe what I felt from you wasn’t true...  

I don’t know how long it will take to feel alright again… but I know I will… eventually. 
I wish that one day I can be moved by love again. And to fall into the arms of a man who doesn’t look at me for the things I don’t have, but cherishes all the things that I do have. He will look at all of my flaws and mend the damages you done. At the end of the day he will kiss me on the forehead and hold me close and call me his. Most importantly... I want a man who knows how to love me wholeheartedly and wants to work hand-in-hand with me for our future.

Read More

Delusional Fairy Tale

It was 9pm on a Saturday night when i received that text message.

And just like before, i thought nothing of it. I casually picked up the phone to see who it was, expecting it to be my mom or maybe a friend back at school, but it was you. My heart dropped down to my stomach and i felt that feeling you always gave me- you know that feeling when you aren't paying attention while driving and you almost hit the car in front of you or the feeling when you miss a step and think for a second you're going to fall forever? It's that kind of fear where for a moment you have no idea what is going to happen next and it's completely out of your hands.

Your contact wasn't even in my phone anymore, it had been a year and two months since I had forgotten your name, forgotten your face, and put behind the years of pain you caused. But i think i'll have those ten digits memorized until the day i die. It's strange how some things, little things, you'll never forget. At first it was an angry text. You cut me up and spit out words that were sharp as fangs- you were always good at that though. An okay lover, but an expert fighter. You knew how to make me feel worthless, hopeless, and flawed but mixed that with the perfect amount of love to keep me hanging on. You knew how to get to me and it was pathetic. I was pathetic. How many times had you done this before? Let's recap. We started out when we were young and we were wonderful for awhile, as most relationships are, but then it got to the point where i was stuck in a loveless relationship and you had me wrapped around your finger until you didn't want me anymore. You up and left and stepped all over my heart on the way out. I thought i was broken forever. A year passed and i finally picked up the pieces. I met new guys, i kissed new lips, i laughed at new jokes, and then out of nowhere- just like now- you came back to me. I wasn't as strong as i had pretended to be. I couldn't have been or else i wouldn't have given you another chance. Only fools do that.

It took two months for you to prove to me that you were no different as you had claimed to be. You were still manipulative, heartless, and the worst thing that could happen to me twice. Almost word for word you replayed our relationship and six months later you were out of my life again and I was hurt more than before. I hated myself for letting you back in, but i hated you even more. The hate sat in my heart for a long time and crippled me. I met an amazing guy and ruined him just because I was already broken, and you can't love a broken girl. Losing someone you love is the worst pain you can go through, i assure you that. I spent so many nights crying my eyes out in my bedroom, alone with nothing but the emptiness of the dark to hear. I spent so many mornings lifting a heavy heart out of bed and trying to start my day. I found flaws in perfect guys. I spent hours over analyzing everything until i became my own worst enemy - because after all you left me twice, it had to be me right? I wasn't perfect for you.

It took a long time but one day the unthinkable happened. I didn't wake up thinking of you. And with time i stopped crying, i looked forward to things, i stopped missing you, i appreciated sleeping alone, i had fun, i drank too much and made mistakes, i met new guys and got to know them instead of sleeping with them...I started to live for me. And then i met him. The most amazing thing to happen to me thus far. He was everything you weren't. He brought me flowers and gave me forehead kisses, he sent me text messages that reminded me how much he loved me, he went above and beyond for me and he made me feel beautiful. I couldn't have found a better boy to stitch my heart back together.

After that angry text that night followed the "i'm sorry text's", then the phone calls, then the drunk voicemails pouring your heart out. The one thing that stuck with me was this...you said..."I guess i thought no matter how many times i left, i'd always be able to come back." How in the world could you be that heartless? It's like you had a sense of when I was finally okay without you and that's when you'd come back, just for fun, to shake my world up. How could someone honestly just expect someone to wait around on someone? How could you believe that after hurting a heart so tragically, that it could possibly give you another chance? Did you think i'd feel bad for you?

And that's when it clicked. YOU are pathetic. I'm not. You're alone. You have no one to love and no one to love you in return. You search and search and admit every time you do, that you can't find someone like me. You settle for girls that you've known for years because they're the only ones that even want to be around you. And i hope it tears you apart. I hope karma give you what you deserve. I hope it kills you to see me with him. I hope it breaks your heart to know you lost me. I hope every drunk night you have to fight so hard to not text me or call me and beg. I hope suddenly your bed feels too big for one person. I hope you think of everything you did and realize what you threw away. I hope your one regret in life so far is not being a better man. I hope it eats you alive.

But you know what, i have to admit, in the back of my mind it's there. 

In the back of my mind, i still wonder if this time around, we could have had our own delusional fairy tale. 

Read More

Give Me a Chance

You’re perfect. Maybe a little bit too perfect for me. 

But what does it take for you too trust me? I have done nothing wrong besides being the girl I was in the past. And even that wasn’t wrong! I was simply lost and did shit, real heavy shit. I have learned my lessons. Why can’t you see past that? Why can’t you see who I am now rather than who I was then? I like you, a lot. But I know that I won’t be able to open up myself too you if you still see the girl I was back then. 

I can’t help it that I was the crazy drunken girl who gave myself to a couple of guys. I can’t help that you’ve always been a straight a student who never gets drunk and is still a virgin. You and me are total opposites. I am the total opposite of what you seek in a girl but still you like me and I you. Why can’t that be enough? Why can’t you just give me a chance?

Read More

It does Happen

We didn't meet in an exciting way, there is no epic couple story in which he professes his love or we spend years apart only to find each other. 

We met in a restaurant, where I worked, and through a friend 

We spend a summer together 

We fell in LOVE 

We became a "us" 

and then I went away to university 5 hours away 

and We stayed an "us" and worked and grew and have become this amazing couple, the couple where when we are out and laughing our heads off over dinner or kissing in the street I can feel people staring, wishing they could have what we have 

It is not to rub it in 

It is too show that it does happen 

and in our challenging long distance relationship or when spend it together. I spend the end of each night, thanking whoever I can for giving me this man, for saving my life for giving me a future. 

I want to marry him, I want to be his wife and i want to grow old with a 1000 grandchildren and a wrap around porch 

It does happen 

It will be a year in April 

and we met over a beer 

It does happen

Read More

Something is Better than Nothing

I need to stop loving you.

Because you are a gay man. Completely, utterly, flamboyantly, raging, out-of-the-closet gay. And I am a woman. And you will never love me the way I love you.

From the first moment I met you I knew you was gay. Our first conversation was about the guy you had brought home the night before. Not that I would have needed to hear that to guess. It’s obvious. You’ve known you were gay since you were 12, every one else has known since you were 13. You’ve never been with a girl because you were never interested in them.

I knew all this from the first week I met you. We’ve talked a million times about you being gay. We’ve talked about how your parents don’t accept you, how much trouble you had at school, your first time and everything in between.

You are just so comfortable with yourself. With everything. You have completely accepted everything about yourself.

We started off being best friends. I would come over and you would dye my hair and we would perv on the guy from Moulin Rouge. We would go shopping and you would pick out clothes for me to wear and we would hit on the shop assistants if they were cute. We would shotgun boys and pretend to be dating if someone creepy was hitting on us. We would cook each other dinner, wake each other up in the morning for class and walk each other home. We would stay over at each others places and wear just our underwear to bed in the summer and get changed in front of each other.

Things were just easy. Comfortable. Simple. I had someone I could talk to when I had a bad day, someone to have fun with, someone to be crazy with and someone to motivate me in class. And I was the same for you.

In class we acted together, playing lovers, because we were so comfortable together already it made sense.

 That’s when it started. I already knew you were an attractive guy. A really attractive guy. But I just had never thought about you like that. You were you, my gay best friend. When I had to look at you through the eyes of a lover…well I guess that was the first time I really saw you. You were more than attractive. You were hot. You were gorgeous. You were handsome.

Our sex scene. Wow. Just wow. I’m still not sure if you realised I was blushing, or if you thought I was just flushed. Your hands running all over my body, your lips on my lips, your hot breath on my neck. And you being gay meant you weren’t afraid to go the distance, to make it believable, because it was make-believe. Isn’t that strange? It’s easier to fake it if you know its fake. Anyway, because we were so comfortable, because you were gay, because we were actors, whatever the reason our sex scene was… intense to say the least. Believable would be an understatement.

On opening night you invited your boyfriend to see the show. We did amazingly, two curtain calls and all. It was the best feeling. Then I watched you run out of the green room and into his arms. Running your hands over his body. Putting your lips on his lips. Your breath on his neck. And then it hit me. I was jealous. I was totally, soul-consumingly, heart-breakingly jealous. Over you and him. My gay best friend and his boyfriend.

I realised I liked you. I really liked you.

I thought it would go away.

I was probably just feeling this way because of the show, all the extra practice time we had been putting in. I mean, I was pretending to love you for hours a day for weeks, it was bound to get caught up with my normal feelings eventually, right? Which meant that, after a couple of weeks, it would fade and things would be normal right? Right.

So I acted as if nothing was different, went on with the show then gave myself some space for a couple of weeks, just to be safe. Once I was sure I couldn’t have feelings for you anymore I sent you a text, asked you if you wanted to hang out. You said yes! You had missed me! That almost stopped me because I was so happy that you had missed me… but no, they were just friendship feelings, you’re my best friend of course I would be happy that you missed me. You were at home right this moment with your boyfriend would I like to come over? Yes of course I would. So I went. And there you were, smiling at me like, giving me the tightest hug, kissing me on the cheek. And there was your boyfriend, sitting on the couch. And then you went back to him, held his hand and patted the couch next to you, indicating I should sit.

I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. I made up some excuse, I don’t even know what it was, it can’t have been very good. But I couldn’t stay in there. Not with you holding his hand, not with you looking at him the way you do, not with you kissing him. I couldn’t do it.

I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. Then I sat. And I cried and cried and cried. I got home, I’m not sure how. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.

I was in love with someone who I have less than 0% of a chance with.

I was in love with my gay best friend.

Not just a crush, not just a physical attraction, but love. Love.

With you.

It’s been three months since then. Nothings changed. He told me last night that he thinks he is in love with his boyfriend. And I smiled and gushed over their last romantic date and told him how happy I was for him.

I’ve decided that I just have to accept that I am in love with someone that I will never have.

I’ve gotten pretty good at faking it, at making up fake guys so that he doesn’t notice that I haven’t given a guy a second look since our performance, helping him plan dates for him and his boyfriend, perving on guys that I guess are cute.

I still can’t see him with his boyfriend. That’s too hard. But I don’t think he’s noticed that whenever his boyfriend appears I disappear. He doesn’t notice a whole lot of anything else when his boyfriend is around.

He tells me about all the romantic things they do together, plays me “their song”, tells me their intimate details, asks for my opinion on what he should wear to their next date and every thing else in between.

I’m his best friend. In love with him or not. And that means I have a role to play. I have to be there for him. Whether it’s killing me or not. Because I am his best friend and I would do anything for him. Just like he would do anything for me.

I’m under no delusion that I could “turn him” or anything silly like that. I don’t want to break up his relationship, it makes him so happy. I don’t expect anything to ever happen.

But that doesn’t stop me from wishing it would. That doesn’t stop me from holding onto our hugs for a little longer, touching the spot where he kissed my cheek, reading over his texts.

Because even if I am his best friend and certain things are expected of me I still love him.

So this is my compromise. Pretending when I’m feeling low, accepting it when I’m not.

This way I can be in love with him and be his best friend.

It’s not ideal but it’s the best I can think of.

He is happy, ignorant, but happy. And that makes me happy. He’s my best friend. I love him and he loves me. It might not be in the same way but he loves me with everything he’s got which is something. And something is better than nothing.

And at least when I’m upset I can call him and he will tell me I am amazing and beautiful and he loves me and would I like him to come over to keep me company and cuddle me all night?

 …Yes I would.

Read More

I Miss Love

I miss love. I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you from half a world away just to ask how you felt today. Typing emails asking about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. All those things that I took for granted but missed once they were gone. I was too angry. Too depressed. Too sick of life to understand that life wasn’t what was getting in the way all that time. It was me. Walking blindfolded through life and only seeing the dark places. You used to try and light them up for me but I keep switching that light off consistently. The dark somehow seemed safer, because if I only expected the worst then I would never have to be disappointed when the outcome was nothing more than that. All the good stuff that happened would just be a bonus. But that it no way to live, apparently.

Time dragged on and I kept at my depressing ways. Sending messages every day to you about how much I hated my life and that today would be the day that I finally killed myself. When I look back at it now I am surprised at long he stuck by me through all of that. But then again, aren’t people who love you supposed be there “through thick and thin – sickness and in health”? Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die. I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to.

After that I booked a 6 month vacation from my life to Australia, to go back to the place where I started out. Just to try and run away from it all for a while. Until it all came back. I noticed that I can’t run away from myself and all the feelings that I still seem to have. I learned to love again on my trip. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Do I even get passed the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

You send me messages still though. Every now and again and I would look at my phone in the morning and read something that would make me smile the whole day. Saying that you need me to come back to where I belong. To be in your couch next to you playing video games and discussing things we don’t even care about really but that we still talk about just because we want to hear each other’s voices for as long as possible. That you want to get to know me all over again because this time, it might be different. And even though that all sounds good – how do I know that you won’t leave again if the going gets tough for me again? I guess it doesn’t matter. I guess I will get past it someday. After all, you are my soulmate. And soulmates never die.

Read More

I Don't Know Why

I formally met him about a year ago. He is friends with my close group of friends and we always hung out around each other. At a party, we instantly clicked and realized we had so much in common. He had that strange charm and the ability to always make me smile and laugh every time I see him. He flirted with me and tried to get my attention any chance he could get. My friends saw it and his did too. This summer when my parents went out of town, our group of friends came to my house every night. And he came too. My stomach developed the biggest mix of emotions when I was around him and I couldn’t think straight. He had this strange ability to make me forget about everything but him. He would text me things only I would understand, we had so many inside jokes and mutual interests that I thought things could be perfect. But the most inviting thing about him is the way he could make me laugh harder than anyone ever has.

I didn’t care what anyone thought about me but him. During one of these summer days with our group of friends, we were talking alone when I told him all of my deepest feelings about him and my fears of him not wanting me back. But, he said he wanted me too and that he wasn’t interested in anyone else. Even when I asked him about his recent fling, he said there was no connection with her anymore. His relationship with her still scared me though and when he texted me to come to a party the next night in a group text that included her as a recipient, I felt awkward and empty. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to that party and saw pictures of him and her cuddling and acting romantic. This hurt. A lot. I went on vacation with my family the next day for a two week trip. Over the course of the next couple days, I noticed that he was “in a relationship” on Facebook with this girl, whom I was so concerned about. This hurt too, but this time- even more.

I have never felt so empty in my life and lonely than the days that followed. He lied to me, but I wasn’t mad at him. I was just sad. The night I got back from my trip, I saw him at a party and there was tension between us but he said hi like everything was normal, but things were not the same. It is now almost 7 months since the day I told him my true feelings for him, and he has been dating his girlfriend for 6 months. She is in my class and a constant reminder of my lust for him.

The reason I am writing this now is because I ran into him yesterday. He seemed good- happy. He called my name from a few feet away and went in for a hug. I hugged him back but it hurt me so bad to know that he is happy with someone else, and I am just here. There is no other way to describe the feeling other than a void in your chest. Something that was somewhat filled before and it remains empty now.

I hope this pain goes away, with time it has weakened but I can still feel the flutter in my chest each time I see him. All I want is to talk to him about his reasoning behind the lies and the ingenuity—if that's what it even was. Who knows. To this day, I tell myself that I should be mad at him, that he lied and fooled me, but I just can’t bring myself to be mad. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss our memories. I miss you. And I don't know why.

Read More

Close Friends

For the first time in 3 years I felt like we got to the spot we were suppose to be at before we got lost.

The first 4 months of our relationship was so fast but I remember almost every moment in slow motion realizing what we had early on was not to be forgotten. When we first met, I remember you went around the table introducing yourself and saying hello to every person except for me. Lastly you looked at me with the enticing look I am sure I returned you with, thinking, we both knew there was more to this encounter then hello. Sitting through the movie all I could think about was who you were and the future ahead of us, a future I knew that was undeniably avoidable. I wasn’t sure of the future, no one is ever, but at that time I knew my future contained you in some manner. Within a weeks time we were at our first outing with a group of friends at a baseball game. Our conversation was filled with nothing but laughter. The night ended in holding hands and butterflies under the fireworks. The rest of the summer wasn’t any different then the first night. You were always a gentleman and held doors, you became my best friend and we shared stories most would not. But in the midst of the sprint we made through the summer together, we finished apart. No one winning the race.

Over the next 3 years we struggled finding a spot back in each other’s lives. Fighting lust, love and life, never truly finding a place.

We both had dated others and tried moving on and blindly ignoring the problem at hand.

We both just needed to find a way move on. I started seeing someone recently and for the first time I hadn’t thought about you.

Until I did.

We just got off the phone for the first time in months today. We caught up about work, family and life, when you brought up my love life. I hesitated………. but then I broke the ice, talking about my issues and asking for your thoughts. All I wanted was my best friend, your, advice. You spearheaded the conversation with thoughtful and honest guidance creating a path of conversation I never thought we would be able to consume. The talk felt natural, pure and sincere. We ended the call with best regards for each other and a plan to catch a friendly ball game with friends in the future.

Finally I found the spot I believe you were always meant for.

Content as close friends.

Read More

I’m Stepping Back

I never thought it would have to come to this. I truly, honestly hoped that things would work out the way they were supposed to before I’d ever have to feel this way. And it’s killing me to think that maybe this is how it’s supposed to work out- with us apart.

 I never even thought I’d meet you. Thought I’d always know who you were and admire you from afar but never actually be introduced, especially considering you had a girlfriend. Even after the first time we were introduced, I never thought I’d hang out with you, or even get to know you in the slightest. The thought honestly never even crossed my mind. But the first time I actually talked to you, you took me by surprise. You weren’t the asshole, cocky guy I had imagined you’d be. I strangely felt so comfortable around you. I’d known you for less than 24 hours, but I trusted you. You intrigued me. I wanted to know more about you. Wanted to figure you out.

It all happened so fast, I don’t even know what came first, or what followed, or how one thing lead to another- but before I knew it, we went from hanging out once a week, to twice a week, to every day. I’m sure people thought it was strange, were confused by it, didn’t know where it came from- and to be honest I kind of felt the same way. But I liked it. Wanted it. Craved it. Didn’t want it to end.

Then we hooked up. I thought that would be the turning point, where we’d cross the line and go forth down that path, and everything would be perfect and fine. Because why wouldn’t it be? I loved everything about you, you loved everything about me, and what did we have to lose?

 I soon learned that apparently wasn’t our lives’ plans. You instead shrugged it off. I think you didn’t know what to think or what to do. I’d like to think that you were scared- scared because you’d actually found a girl who you truly liked, cared about, and felt something with. And that terrified you. I’d come to later find out that you were burned badly by your ex-girlfriend, leaving you scarred, broken, and unable to trust. Unable to allow people in. But even after this- you let me in. Farther in than you’ve ever let anyone in before. We had a six hour conversation one day about how you wanted a girlfriend, you were over the college hookup scene and just wanted a girl that possessed this given list of qualities you had. I fit every single one. You asked me where I could find a girl like that. I wanted to tell you that you were talking to her, she was standing right in front of you. But I was too scared, and I didn’t say anything.

Summer came and the drama, stereotypes, stresses, and expectations of college and college life all went away. We had so many moments and so many nights that I know meant something more to both of us. You said we were just friends, but I think you’d have a hard time denying that you didn’t feel it, too. I could tell by the way you talked to me, the way you looked at me, and again how you just let me get so close. We fought. We cried. But we always ended up back in each other’s arms.

You still hate to admit it, but you said, “I love you.”

Then I found out you were hanging out with her again. It could’ve been innocent, it could’ve been meaningless, but then again nothing is with her. I was crushed. I felt numb. I told you I couldn’t do it, I refused to be the stand-in girlfriend. I wanted more. It was me or her. You didn’t choose me. I didn’t stop crying for a week straight.

The fight lasted for less than 2 weeks before I caved. Losing you was like losing a huge part of myself. I didn’t know how to function without you. Didn’t know how to not have you in my life. So I took you back. I compromised. I sacrificed my heart and my feelings because I just wanted to still be with you in any way that I could.

School started again. It was a rocky semester, lots of ups and downs, me desperately trying to look the other way when I’d see you talk to other girls or hear that you went on a date with someone. Desperately trying to convince myself that everything I did was getting me closer to where I wanted to be- which was with you. I met your whole family- your mom, your dad, your little sister and little brother, and even your grandma. You’ve never let any girl besides your ex-girlfriend come over to your house before, but you let me come over. I came over three or four times. You told me how much your parents loved me, how I was the favorite out of all the girls you’ve ever introduced to them. How your sister looked up to me like I was the older sister she never had. Maybe I got too comfortable? Maybe I got too used to playing the “best friend” role to the point where I actually became it? But I never wanted this. All I wanted was you. All of you, all to myself, fully in love just like we should have been.

Then the day came. The day I received the most heartbreaking, body-numbing news- you were seeing someone else. I cried to you. Begged you for an explanation. What was I missing? What did I NOT give to you? What could I POSSIBLY do to make myself any more perfect for you? How do you not see this relationship the same way as I do? I told you you were full of shit. Told you you were cheating yourself. I was helpless and hurt. You held me as I cried. Then you let me walk away.

How did we get here?

We tried to be friends again but I couldn’t do it. I can’t sit back and be okay with you being with her when I want you to be with me. I can sit and wait and wish and hope that we’ll be together some day, but it just hurts me even more. I just want to shake you and make you realize that we should be together, but I can’t. You’re the only one that can realize it. You’re the only one that can make the change. So as much as it aches me, breaks me, kills me to do this, I’m stepping back. I miss you every single day and don’t ever go to sleep at night without thinking about you. It takes every ounce of energy and every piece of strength in me not to cave and give in to you, but I know this is what I have to do. So I’m doing this for myself, taking myself away from you until hopefully it clicks for you. If nothing else, you were an amazing friend and I learned so much from you about relationships, love, and life.

I hope you’re happy where you are, and even though I hate to admit it- I’m waiting for you. I will always love you. And when you’re ready to love me back, just let me know. I’ll be here. 

Read More

Inked Into My Story

Dear G.

You once told me that if there was ever something I needed to say to you, to scream at you, to share with you, that I could and I should share with you so that I can heal.
You know that I struggle to verbalize only the very closest words to my heart out loud. So, this is what I have wanted to say to you.

"I am both happy and sad and I am trying to figure out how that could be.

" Will you always invade my thoughts, even though I am inexplicably happy with someone else?
Why do you feel with your mind first, and your heart second?
Why did you tell me you loved me six months after we broke up?
Why do you only think of my needs when it is convenient for you? (still)
Why did you not hold me, call me, talk to me when I needed you most? It was my darkest year and I needed you.
Why did you hug me, hold my hand, stare deep into my eyes but not kiss me? As now, people delegitimize my pain.

You were my first love and the first person to make me understand the phrase: we are all born into brokeness. You broke me. You tamed my spirit. You scheduled me into your planner instead of your heart. You showed me what true love is not. I have realized that being an active person who is forced to remain inactive is often more painful than the pain the injury itself causes. You caused me to be inactive. I wonder if you will ever comprehend how many nights I cried myself to sleep because of your (in)actions, your lack of words. You know that I do not believe that people have one sole soul mate. Yes, we could of been but we are not. Yes, I will always love you in some way or another.

You once told me this: Life can only take one path in the end, history is an unchangeable story in reality, and God, being outside of any conceivable box we can design for Him (Her), knows what that story is from end to end (whether 'tis a circle or a line). But our choices and actions matter. I think He is helping us with the writing and penmanship but we write our own lives. You will forever be inked into my story.

Re-read your words, internalize them. Smell, breath, touch, feel, see the beauty of this life and your words and turn your knowledge into action. Please, please re-think how it makes me feel when you say, "I believe I can love you better than anyone else" when you broke your promises (your words) to me on countless occasions.

Love is action. Love is a feeling. Love is not a calculation.

Though it pains me to admit it, I miss you.
For the last time - "Your Monkey"
I am free.

Read More

Your Own Idea of Beauty

What always amazes me is how easily we look past the good things, the small things. Cause when you take the time to look, even if it's when browsing the internet or walking home from work, beauty is everywhere. There is so much talent out there, on online forums, on concrete walls, on stage in your local pubs open mic night. There are so many beautiful people out there, more than you can imagine. Probably more than you will ever realize, cause like most people, you will sometimes be blinded by your own idea of beauty. This always happens.

When I was 16 I had a male friend who was constantly love-crushed, on everyone from the pretty girl in our class, to the librarian in our school. We liked to tease him about it, I guess we just thought of him as a horny teenage boy who wasn't picky enough. It seemed as if he found 80% of the worlds female population attractive in some way. Once he came up to me and asked if I knew something about this one girl, she was in my friend's class and I used to go to school with her brother. My reaction was one of amazement, to me she was the plainest girl alive. Not ugly, not pretty, just a wallflower, nothing special. I asked him why he wanted to get to know her and he said: I was at this party, and she was there. She smiled this amazing smile and now I just feel like I need to get to know her.

And I was left choking on my own prejudice, having it stuffed down my throat by genuine romance (or maybe teenage hormones).

Read More

Somehow Change

 And then there was him.

The incredibly smart and rational guy who knew what he wanted and was a realist. I met him in my office. I worked part time and combined the job with my daily studies. And it all started right there. He was an unbeautiful law student and wore a suit and a tie to class, always well shaved. But I felt I was drowning in his incredible live blue eyes full of light - from the very moment I met him. He practiced tap dance. And he tickled my intellect. Extremely logical and well read, he was a great person to talk to, a great mind. What we had in common was ambition. What we didn't - was 'attitude'. He was a very much 'here and now' kind of guy. And me, I'm always the 'if only' and 'when' kind of gal. And I always dreamed of seeing the world.

Together we roamed the streets of my then favourite city and talked for hours and hours. About life... and love... and faith... and things.. and about future - his - in this city - his city, and mine - outside the country. We were in love. And we knew it was not going to work, but we preferred to be lying to ourselves instead. We had time. We were not in a hurry.

I remember him once telling me how he imagined his perfect girl - she would be a tall redhead with a tiny bit of a hunch - like tall people have - and with short hair revealing her neck. This was his game.. The description was partially me, but for the part where it wasn't - the key was I needed to change for him. And I wouldn't. And so it was a fair game. Because neither would he change for me. As for me - I could never describe my perfect guy to him when he asked. I never had the image of a perfect guy in my head. (I'm always falling for the non-perfect ones, which result perfect in the end.)

One brisk sunny evening we were walking by the lake in the park after work. And then he took a leap. He asked me if I would ever marry him.

I think everything mixed up in my head when I heard it. Because I knew he meant it. And I came to a standstill with my heart heavily pounding somewhere in my knees. ' - I don't know...' was the only answer I managed to squeeze out of myself. And it was an honest one, because I was startled to the core with what he was asking. No one ever said this to me before. And then he said he was happy.... He was happy it wasn't a 'No'.

And now I realize that he was waiting, now I can see it. He was smart and understood it wasn't about talking me into it or convincing me in any way. He wanted me to want him first. The way he was. The way he wanted his life to be. I wish everyone did it like he did. Because normally it is against the human nature - so many of us hope it will be alright and the other person would somehow change in the end. Which doesn't happen. Consciously, I didn't know it then, but deep inside I already knew this wasn't IT for me, that there was so much more to life. I knew it was only the beginning. And so it was.

This is how it all came to an end. We never officially ended it (we never officially started it either). Our last night together was a requiem for a dream. I was melting in his arms - a bittersweet caress with no goodbye, which we knew would be our last one. And he is still in my heart, with all the dearest memories. We were still in for touch after I left abroad that year. 2 years later he told me he married a redhead.

Read More

Meet Me at The Beginning

 
I had been bugging my boyfriend to write me love letters for a few months (we've been long distance for 9 months now) and so for Christmas he gave me a moleskin notebook with a letter from him written on the first few pages. "It's so we can write back and forth to each other like a love journal" he said. Best gift. Anyways, it was my turn to write something to him. The problem was when I tried to write, everything was sad, I miss you, I'm miserable without you, I hate that we have stupid fights etc. I didn't want to immortalize the bad times and wanted to bring the joy back into our love instead of the sadness from being apart. So I wrote this poem/story about the first month of our relationship, when we were physically together, so that we could bring a little bit of that magic back.

For Thomas

This is the story of two young people at the beginning of love, one that has been told thousands of times before, but each telling is as special and novel as the very first.

We begin with…
Boy meets girl.
Boy chases girl.
Girl just wants to be friends.
Boy doesn't give up.
One year later, boy asks girl to the dance.
Girl says yes.

They dance, they drink, they laugh, they sparkle. That night, they lay in each other's arms, wrapped up in the newness of it all. He makes her hash browns and she makes him laugh. Days become good and bright. Nights are spend in quiet whispers and heated discovery. They fall together.
Reveling in the lightness, they flourish. He is kind and passionate and understanding and confident and all the things she has wished for. She is full of ideas, captivating and radiant. There is no fear, no doubt.
They were dancing, each completely in tune with the rhythm of the other. Perfectly imperfect. Happiness was ours. Let's go back there, to simplicity, to tangled limbs and locked lips, to playfulness and bliss, to incandescent love. Meet me at the beginning.

With all the love I possess
Alexandra

Read More

A Rope Worth Holding

You never just had a part of me, you had all of me. I wrapped myself up in your being and it wasn’t surprising when you did the same. Our lives became entwined with a mix of our bests, and our worsts. I’m not scared nor do I feel robbed. I guess I feel a little confused on how something that consuming couldn’t make it to the end.

Here I am now thinking about what lies ahead. To have my string back from our entwined rope, it just doesn’t seem right. I feel vulnerable and not as strong. What I keep forgetting is that it’s not impossible to entwine myself with another. So many people don’t want to change, they want to move on and still be the same person. I’ve felt that way for such a long time. Now I feel like the only answer is leaving that girl behind.

If I was willing to give that much of myself to you at one time I shouldn’t be selfish enough to ask for it back. And I shouldn’t be shallow enough to expect another guy to love your leftovers. I have to create something for him to love that isn’t marked by yours. I don’t need to hate you in the process either. This is all ok to feel but there’s a day when that strand of rope is knotted and then the new piece forms. Different lengths and different strengths, it’s all the same rope. I just need to decide which piece I feel the safest holding when I fall.

Read More

Those Moments

 

Love is hard and grueling. You know those moments where you wish you just weren't capable of love? we all have them, rare as they may be, it's those moments that you wish you couldn't love so that it can keep us from the pain of watching a loved one forget, forget who you are and what you meant to them, where their mind slowly slips away and you become a stranger in those eyes, those eyes that now fear you. Alzheimers makes you feel those moments more than you should, because you don't want to feel the pain of watching your loved one slip away in such an ungracious and undignified way, for them to lose everything that meant something to them. I love my Gran so very very much, but sometimes just sometimes I wish I couldn't love just so the pain would stop and more than anything I wish the my Gran's pain could stop.

Read More

Second Time Around

I wasn't sure if I should actually hit the 'send' button but as you can see, I swallowed my pride and did it... Seeing you that Monday afternoon felt so great and since then I keep wondering how you felt after seeing me...I'm very aware that I may regret this, but I am also aware that if I don't be honest and true to myself, I may always be wondering... So instead of wondering I'll just ask. And as blunt and as honest as it may be, I know that's the one thing we're both good at; being straight up and honest with each other.

It's been almost a year without you but when I saw you the other day, I still felt that connection going strong... At least on my end it was... I feel that I've grown so much this past year and it feels so great to be aware of myself as an individual. I also think you have grown as well (whether or not you believe that). I think that since we've gone our separate ways, and as hard as its been for the both of us, we've been able to have a good and respectful communication with each other... I think we both know and understand why we broke up and we both know and understand each others downfalls. Knowing these downfalls has helped me grow as a person (I hope it has done the same for you). You've never been good at believing in yourself and you always know I'm the first person routing for you even when you don't understand why...

So here's whats been on my mind... I keep having this fantasy about you and me. I always wonder if you're missing me or wishing we could work things out... not go full force into something, but take baby steps to see if this time apart, this time we've had to grow as individuals has changed anything... I know you tell yourself that you need this time alone and you're not sure if I was or ever will be 'the one' because as you say 'when you know you know'....and I'm not sure what the answer to that is either, but I do know that there is this little voice in my head that wonders what it would be like the second time around. And maybe that time is not today or even anytime soon for you, but deep down do you ever wonder if it could work?

On Monday I wanted nothing more than to have you in my bed and a part of me can't get that idea out of my mind...

I know that idea made you feel uneasy because you don't want to hurt me, and I appreciate that more than you know.

Like I've said before, honesty is our thing and I would never want to fight for someone who doesn't want me. But I will do what I can to trust my feelings, especially when they still feel this strong after so much time apart.

Read More

Strengthen Us

I’ve just watched a relationship that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way he felt, I couldn’t change the choice he made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts.

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that It’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hit and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes himself apparent, but I do know that when he does I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding onto the fake hope you led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off.

Last August I had my first thoughts.

Only now I know how right I was.

This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

Read More

The Power to Love Who I am

I feel like this website too often expresses the love for another individual. and while i think that loving someone else is a necessity in life i think that we need to love ourselves before we can even consider to love anything or anyone else in our lives. 

This may be coming out as a reaction and revolution of the current events that have just taken place in my life but now i know for certain that i can't do anything in my life unless i have the power to love who i am.

All life long we are told that we have to follow a specific line of events. college.intern.job.married.babies. i dont want to fall into this layout that society has planned out for me. i wanna lust after life with a courageous soul and adventurous heart. i wanna touch the four corners, i want to run after the sunrise in the grand canyon and i wanna climb the eiffel tower.

This could be why i just left my boyfriend for one year and my amazing internship. true they were great opportunities but they blinded me from who i wanted to be as an individual.

Individual. ahhh i love the sound of that word. i'm going to embrace being me and love every single second of it. im going to love my emotional state of mind, my soccer thighs and inability to do cartwheels. i'm gonna soak up every little inch of myself and love it... and appreciate who i am.

 Too often we all get caught up in the day to day to do lists in our lives. but today lets take a step back and say " IM GOING TO EAT THIS HAMBURGER AND NOT FEEL FAT!" and just enjoy the life that we are all so blessed to have. 

Read More